Posts Tagged ‘Crises’

I am too old for an identity crisis, and too young for an existential crisis, but this summer I experienced both. I dyed my hair a new color each week, pierced some places and tattooed others. I even changed my name. I felt pretty bad-ass for a while, joined my cousin’s band, and sang on weekends in the local dive bar. My first ever performance was something sensational. Proud Mary was rolling on a vodka river, and I dragged my sisters on stage with me to sing back-up. They threw in a haphazard imitation of Tina’s famous dance moves, and we were a hit.

In the midst of my identity crisis came the existential crisis. Suddenly I was tired of playing dress up, tired of the hair dyes, tired of everything. I just moped around in my pajamas all day. Every now and then I looked in the mirror and wondered how much more lint would collect in my hair if I continued not to brush it, and how long I could get away with not taking a bath before my mom called in the HAZMAT team. I felt like my best days were in the past. I went apartment hunting and saw the happy little undergrads running around, totally oblivious to anything beyond themselves. Then I thought, “that used to be me.” I used to have zero responsibilities other than some trivial homework. No one was ever counting on me except for my friends who never asked for much more than an entertaining time together. Compared to the past, the future seemed like a boring, monotonous, unimaginative chore–work, bills, and the occasional meaningless trinket – hardly a prize compared to what one goes through to get it.

To get out of this rut, I did something kind of dorky. I wrote down every single one of my fears, and then I wrote down why each one doesn’t matter. Some were just plain silly, and after reading them I had to laugh. Some were simply unavoidable, like death, and being honest with myself about that made me realize how pointless it is to worry about what cannot be changed. Others showed me sides of myself that weren’t pleasant, things that need to change. For instance, I’m not happy unless I am planning something, executing a strategy to accomplish this or that. Even when things don’t go as planned and I have to re-plan, I love the sense of purpose, of progress toward a goal, and it’s hard to feel complete without being in that state. However, I know now that too much ambition and not enough contentment can make life feel pointless. Everyone gets tired of the chase after a while, and at that juncture it’s important to have some other source of happiness.

I think the whole identity crisis was probably just me rebelling against the fear of finally growing up and supporting myself – oh and my not-so-secret fear that becoming an attorney will drain all the life out of me. My dorky fear list helped, and I’m happy to report that I am bathing regularly again. For my Hawaii friends, I’m keeping it “pono” from now on.

~ <3 ~