I’ve always hated professors. It has nothing to do with their authority over my academic success, though I do have issues with authority. As a class, professors are simply dull, stuffy, tame, vapid, and extremely disconnected. HLS profs, unsurprisingly, are the fucking apogee of this stereotype.

I recently crashed a semi-exclusive event filled with equal parts professors, administrators, students, and firm partners/donors. The event featured a bullshit cash bar, though everyone received a free drink with dinner. Fortunately, seeing my quickly empty glass, the waiter took pity and provided a free refill … seven times.

The format of the event was: mingle, eat dinner, watch a small presentation, eat dessert, mingle again. I was at a table in the back of the room with three profs (none my own), two other students, and two donors. Despite the alcohol, I was able to make it through the presentation without doing anything that could be framed as impolite. As the dessert carts came out, though, one of the donors asked me how I was enjoying law school, so I said, as nicely as possible, “I’m a little bored but everyone tells me that exams are pretty intense.”

The profs at the table immediately intervened, asking about my professors, my workload, and what I thought about both. I was honest. I said that while I’m sure the profs are quite intelligent and respected, I found their classes to be “only occasionally useful.” I didn’t have time to address the excessive workload, as both professors dove right into a discussion about how law students today are so focused on the next step, they don’t take the time to appreciate their wonderful scholastic opportunities, with which the table (including myself) agreed. Then they both made a catastrophic error, both in terms of fund-raising and mere validity. They asserted that the blame for students not properly appreciating their time at law school lied with the firms and the outrageous salaries.

Of course, the donors were like WTFWAT!? They posited that law school, with its archaic focus on extremely broad topics and one test per semester structure, was fucking retarded. They spoke about not learning a single thing in their third year and having no clue how to practice at graduation. Why should the students care about the work if it brings no utility?

One of the other students, who had been quiet the entire exchange, spoke up before the professors could respond (AND I QUOTE):

“Fellows, we are on a slick precipice that shall yield no fruit, might we change themes?”

I was the only person at the table who found the statement absolutely absurd, which means I was the only one at the table laughing, though I didn’t notice. Still oblivious, I put a piece of oddly flavored cheesecake on my nose and said:

“Fellows, the dessert is on a slick precipice, I feel as though it might meet its demise momentarily.” Then I moved my head forward and went, “OH NO! NOM NOM NOM.” The cheesecake did, in fact, meet its demise. I’m not positive about this, but I think I made one of the donors laugh.

The event broke for mingling shortly after and everyone at the table bolted towards opposite sides of the room. I went and found one of the professors and asked if he would be willing to discuss law school over a drink. He declined.

Then, I found the other professor and interrupted his conversation with someone who didn’t look very important and asked if he would accompany me to the bar down the street, where we could discuss the relative merits of law school. He looked at me as though I was some fucking cretin and said that he had to be leaving soon.

So I found one of the donors, who was talking to a relatively major administrator, he called the professors a myriad of harsh names and asked if I had any use for his four drink coupons. (apparently the donors were given extra drink coupons)

“Yeah, if you don’t need them.” Jackpot.

I ordered four whiskeys with the coupons and carefully carried all four glasses in stacks of two to the donor and the administrator

“I got these for you guys.”

The administrator turned me down but the donor seemed quite touched. He ended up drinking two of the drinks and we discussed the ridiculously contrived bullshit that is law school.

In conclusion, I still hate professors.

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