Remember when I said that the idiots who populate Harvard Law School are all terrible looking? I must now redact the statement in order to alter it slightly: “The idiots who populate Harvard Law School are all terrible looking, except the Asian females.”

This is not to say that the Asian chicks at HLS are unanimously attractive, there are more than a few Lena Chen’s trolling the hallway. It’s just, when I think about the attractive women on campus, eight out of ten are Asian. This includes of course, their de facto leader, Professor Jeannie Suk.

A week or two back, while I was stumbling through the halls after an awesomely unpretentious lunch consisting of a Spike’s Junkyard Hotdog and a 40oz Budweiser, I ran into the obscene beauty that is Professor Suk. Our meeting wasn’t ideal, as when I say that we ran into each other, I mean we literally ran into each other. Fortunately for Prof. Suk, this wasn’t the first time I’d bowled over a tiny woman while intoxicated – I firmly grabbed by her minuscule hips, pulling her close to prevent either of us from falling.

At the time, her youth forced me to believe that she was a student. I spent the next three days friending every Asian-female member of the 2010, 2011, or 2012 HLS facebook groups. (I also friended some random white dudes in order to prevent my feed from resembling a Foxwood’s Pai Gow table, though I now realize that made it look even more like a Foxwood’s Pai Gow table.) Obviously my efforts were fruitless.

A few days ago, I brought up the situation while I was conversing with the annoying gunner sect in my torts class. They immediately identified the female in question, though there was some debate as to whether or not she was on campus this semester. They also informed me that she was married to some Jewy, superstud professor. Some insecure guys might have taken the news poorly but I happen to be a Jewy superstud, so I figured I had a pretty good shot at turning the poor, prestigious Professor Feldman into a sissy, cuckold.

Ok, so I’m kidding about the Professor Suk thing (awesome photo here), she getting pretty old and I don’t feel like competing against a former Supreme Court clerk. I’m not kidding about the yellow fever though, which brings me to the my next point – hooking up in law school is strange.

I seduced my first Asian over the weekend, a classmate (not a sectionmate, thank god). The sex (and even the post-sex McDonald’s) was great. She was far less stuck-up than I first anticipated. Fortunately, because everyone in law school is constantly slammed with work, she had to leave right after she finished her McNuggets (with sweet and sour sauce).

Still, she’s been super clingy in our three encounters since the event, which is a bit of a problem, I’m trying to move on to her equally Asian friends. I didn’t expressly state that I wasn’t interested in a relationship, but I assumed the undergrad rule was still valid: “If he doesn’t spend more than $25 on you, he’s just not that into you.” Even if you include the cost of the condom, lube, and McNuggets – I’m at like $10.

So if you read this “Jen”: please stop kissing me in-front of your friends, I don’t really like you. Unless I’m super drunk and/or lonely, we will not be seeing each other naked again.

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